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Below are the 13 most recent journal entries recorded in arcane.'s LiveJournal:

Saturday, August 20th, 2005
10:45 pm
she's always buzzin...

I haven't written anything in a year.  I put aside the one thing I know I should be doing.  Writing little blurbs about my life have been like teasing little appetizers that never fill me.  And writinng about my life is completely different than me telling a story.  I have been told by every single English teacher I have ever had that I was born solely for storytelling--fact or fiction..  I've always wondered if they were astonished by my 'talents' simply because they weren't expecting someone like myself to be able to form a simple declaritive sentence. 

I know that wasn't fair, but I still wonder. 

I feel the itch, but I'm a little weary about scratching.  It doesn't really matter.  I need to start writing again.  Something happens to me when I break out that bic.  Insanely witty and verbose meanderings flow from my brain to my paper and I get this high.  Like a frantic calm.  Does this ever happen to you Mr. Murakami? 

I have discovered so many things about myself through writing:

I don't like happy endings.  Sure, I watch movies for the happy ending... to see that everything ends alright.  But there's something about written word that makes me want to kill the girl rather than have her riding off into the sunset.  I suppose predictability is something I can't settle for.

I've discovered the advantages of school pre-degree.  I don't have my degree yet, but there is this pool of completely random information that makes everything I write so much more whole.

My vocabulary isn't as limited as I thought.  My day-to-day shit shooting is no indication of my actual intellect(and yet I have no idea if that is how you spell intellect).  I swear unecessarily and I use words that don't exist, but that all disappears when the time comes.  By the time I've finished I swear that it wasn't me who wrote it. 

I turn into this person I don't know, and I often wonder if that girl is really me.  Or am I the girl who calls complete strangers sexy just to see them squirm?  I don't think I could be both. 

 

 



Current Mood: contemplative
Friday, August 5th, 2005
8:18 pm

i have a stress ulcer.  i was recommended therapy.  i need another haircut.  i'm hungry.  somehow i'm still happy.  could it be love?

 

i'm posessed by jesus.  jesus is cute, huh?

i laugh sometimes.

dude, i look REALLY tired.

what am i doing?

call me miss pensive.

that is my skirt over my head for no reason other than i was feeling very national geographic.



Current Mood: bored
Sunday, July 24th, 2005
5:52 pm

Lately I've been racking my brain, heart and soul to figure out where my twinkle went.  :::Quick Sotry:::  Mid-senior year of high school I had to leave California because my mother and I could no longer stand each other.  The plan was to tally ho to Arizona where my father was (is).  I went to my Biology teacher at the time-- a woman whom I deeply admire and love, and have know since 14 yrs. old--and told her I was leaving.  Unlike everyone else I told she seemed completely unsurprised.  She just looked at me and said " I hope where ever it is you're going will help you get your twinkle back.  Good Luck."  I almost wanted to act puzzled , but I knew what she meant and all I could do when I left was cry. 

So, four years later I have a bit of a glimmer.  The twinkle has not yet fully restored.  Right now I feel as if it may be on a permanent vacation.  After considering all the tragedies and horrors that have occured I'm doing rather well. 

I have somehow managed to be happy with the internal me.  I have self-esteem.  More than most girls do.  I'm rather intellegent, however confused about what to do with it.  But that somehow doesn't bother me.  I'm funny.  I'm not a wuss.  I don't let people treat me as a doormat.  I'm hard-headed and a spoiled (I find those to be good qualities.  I'll explain it another day).  I don't waver to popular ideas just because it seems polite.  I'm quite honest, and I haven't always been so thats an accomplishment for me.  I suppose my point is I'm close to being at my best person, on the inside.  I do have bouts of sadness and anger, but I've resolved that that is a part of being Bettie.  I can't be perfect and wouldn't want to.

  I like that I say things at the wrong times.  And that I'm not the typical humble and somber Christian.  I love that I'm more conservative that the majority of all Republicans and that no one would ever know.  I like that bitchy side of me.  I love that I burp and don't say excuse me.  I'm the kind of girl I would want to marry if I was a guy.  Serious when it counts and silly all other times.  It makes me happy that I've come to a point where I really do love who I am.

The trick is to make the outside match the inside.  That has never been easy for me but I know it's time.  I have a tendency to procrastinate and be lazy, and that will be my (social , spiritual and/or earthly) death.  I can feel it. 

So, pardon me while I go fix my life.



Current Mood: contemplative
Wednesday, July 20th, 2005
2:54 pm

the poets say that all who love are blind/well i'm in love and i know what time it is

the good Book says go seek and he shall find/well i have sought and my, what a climb it is

my life is just like the weather/it changes with the hour

when he's near i'm fair and warmer/when he's gone i'm cloudy with showers

an emotion like the ocean, it's either sink or swim/ when a woman loves a man like i love him

 

never treats me sweet and gentle the way he should

i got it bad and that aint good, no, that aint good

my poor heart is sentimental/not made of wood

i got it bad and that aint good

 

but when the weekends over and monday rolls around/ i end up like i start out, just cryin my heart out

he dont love me like i love him, no

no, nobody could

i got it bad and that aint good

 

the folks with good intentions tell me to save my tears

i'm glad i'm mad about him

i can't live without him

Lord above me make him love me the way he should

i got it bad and that aint good.

 

 

 



Current Mood: crushed
Monday, July 18th, 2005
11:52 pm
you can read

I don't even want to acknowledge that my birthday happened.  It sucked for a plethora of reasons that I don't plan on rehashing purely for my mental health's sake.  

 I went to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory today with Zake and Summer.  It was very interesting.  I stared at Jonny's teeth the whole time.  He was rather funny.  Just his facial expressions; they were freakin hilarious.  Charlie (cheer up charlie) was cute as hell.  Veruca Salt wasn't done justice in the least, and she's my favorite.  Bastards. Augustus had the most gorgeous blue eyes I've ever seen and I don't normally like blue eyes.  I prefer this Violet to the last.  Of course the original was a trillion times better, but this version was much more book-based than the original.  HA!  The Oompa Loompas.  Dude.  Craziness.  Johhny Depp is hot no matter how weird he looks.

I'm going to Malibu tomorrow with Kristen and this other Republican chick who's gonna join our club in the fall.  I'm sure good old fashion fun will ensue, as it tends to do.  I'll report of course.



Current Mood: indifferent
Friday, July 15th, 2005
11:58 am
le sigh

Brady came over yesterday unexpectedly.  It was nice.  He sung to me, and I've been listening to the song all day.

I pray for better days to come
I pray that I would see the sun
Cuz life is so burdensome
When everyday's a rainy one

But suddenly there's no more clouds
I believe without a doubt
That heaven sent an angel down
And then she turned my life around

You know and I know
Friends come and friends go
Storms rise and winds blow
But one thing I know for sure

When it's cold outside
There's no need to worry cuz
I'm so warm inside
You give me peace
When the storm's outside
Cuz we're in love I know
It'll be alright
Alright it's alright

Oooh...

Now peace is so hard to find
We're terrorized and victimized
But that's when I close my eyes
And think of you to ease my mind
You take me to another place
There's no more war (no more war)
Just love and grace
Baby you restore my faith
I know the struggle's not in vain
You know and I know
Through all the battles
Baghdad to Israel
There's one thing I know for sure

When it's cold outside
There's no need to worry cuz
I'm so warm inside
You give me peace
When the storm's outside
Cuz we're in love I know
It'll be alright
Alright it's alright

Alright it's alright
Alright it's alright
Alright it's alright

Oh...
When it's cold outside
There's no need to worry cuz
I'm so warm inside
You give me peace
When the storm's outside
Cuz we're in love I know
It'll be alright
Alright it's alright



Current Mood: content
Tuesday, July 12th, 2005
11:51 am
finally...

*exhale*

things are on the right track to normal. 



Current Mood: hopeful
Sunday, July 10th, 2005
5:55 pm
random things making me laugh

"Fuck yo couch nigga, fuck yo couch!"

"Cocaine is a hell of a drug"

"I spit hot fire!"

 

And of course throw in a random blind guy doing the robot.  Hours of family fun.



Current Mood: chipper
Saturday, July 9th, 2005
9:52 pm
suddenly
i'm enough. i hope it lasts

Current Mood: content
9:30 pm
ramblings

So.  It has been a quiet couple of days.  Certain people whom I should be important to are ignoring me.  So tell me...  If you had to have an emergency surgery to save your life and needed to be taken care of, but your remaining family and "friends" couldn't (wouldn't) take care of you, what would you do?  What if you had a girlfriend who took you into her home and took care of you, paid for your prescriptions (and you don't have medical insurance), and generally became your mother?  Wouldn't you be appreciative?  Wouldn't you resolve to make it up to her?  Or at least give a little of your oh so precious time?  Yea.  I thought so.

Three different guys told me they were in love with me yesterday.  It was weird.  I don't understand it, but I aim to figure it out.  This tends to happen a lot and it drives me slightly crazy.  Not like it’s a bad thing, but it is never the right people (But there is one, hmm...).  All I want is wit, sarcasm, and general hotness.  Is a little witty repartee too much to ask for?  I think not.  I'm not exactly lonely, but... I dunno.  The company I keep is not exactly the company I want. Sooo, yea.  Men elude me.

 

::::random lyric warning::::

Is that why they call me a sullen girl, sullen girl

They dont know I used to sail the deep and tranquil sea

But he washed me shore, and he took my pearl

And left an empty shell of me

 

My lips aren't swollen anymore.  Too bad though.  I was enjoying being kinda sexy.  Le sigh.



Current Mood: blah
Friday, July 8th, 2005
3:27 pm
this is for...
you.

I take back what I said about boobs earlier.  Clearly mine are showing.  But I'm not a slag I promise.  Still love me?



Current Mood: content
11:55 am
this is the story of seven strangers
So, Summer has this friend who ended up being closer to me than her because she's like a black version of me. Shut up. She called me this morning to tell me that the Real World is casting at the Fox Hills mall, my least favorite most ghetto mall in California. Somehow its in a really good neighborhood though. Anyways, I know that they're going there to find the token black kid so I 'm gonna go and try out because, um...I have nothing better to do? I'm so full of retardation and drama, they have to pick me. I'm not sure I'd wanna be in a house where people make out with each other the first day they meet. Although if there's a cute Italian or Persian guy I'm likely to make-out with him if he's funny. That's all it takes for me. Cute and funny. And yes I am pitiful.
And speaking of cute of cute and funny why is it that all cute and funny guys live is far away places. I'm not saying and names but, skeet skeet.
*clears throat*
Aaanyways. So I'm gonna try out for the Real World and your gona see me on t.v. telling bitches off. Yes, my temper will be ever-present.


Did I forget to tell people(meaning Keri)that my mom accused me of being pregnant the other day. I was trying to tell her something and to tell her I had to mention that I had been waiting on my period since May. The thing is she wasn't Even angry when accusing me.

"Hmmm, I hope you ain't pregnant. Cuzz you know we cant have that. We'd have to *insert nasty sucking noise and her own laughter*"

Yea, she's gross.

KERI I MISS AND LOVE YOU AND I WISH I COULD COME TO BERWICK NOW AND HAVE OUR ANNE MARATHON.

Now I shall go take 9 million pictures of myself. I know I torture everyone with milloins of pics of me but I can't help it. I used to think I was ugly so it's amazing to me that I'm not. It could be worse. I could be like the million of myspace girls and push my boobs up into the camera, lol. Yea right. Like my boobs would actually fit into the picture. Dream on Bettie, dream on.

Edited cause I got bored:
Bitch-Slap
You are 28% Rational, 14% Extroverted, 85% Brutal, and 28% Arrogant.
You are the Bitch-Slap, the hallmark response of any abusive husband! You are more intuitive than others, focusing more on feelings than rational explanations, and you are also probably very brutual because you care more about yourself than the well-being of others. As most of us know, brutality combined with emotion often leads to BITCH-SLAPPING, which is why you are called "The Bitch Slap". (This does not mean you are emotional, only that you are more affected by emotions than rationality when making decisions.) Another trait you possess is that you are very humble, which could mean you are insecure because very few people are brutal AND humble. Not only that, but you are also rather introverted, and any tendencies towards brutality you possess may also result from the fact that you bottle up your emotions and don't show them to others until you explode in rage. Most likely, however, you are not a VIOLENT person, just someone who is rather selfish. At any rate, being a bitch-slap does not necessarily mean you will abuse your spouse; it only means you are rather intuitive, uncaring toward others, brutal, introverted, and possibly insecure.


To put it less negatively:

1. You are more INTUITIVE than rational.

2. You are more INTROVERTED than extroverted.

3. You are more BRUTAL than gentle.

4. You are more HUMBLE than arrogant.

Compatibility:

Your exact opposite is the Braggart.

Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Schoolyard Bully, the Class Clown, and the Brute.

*

*

If you scored near fifty percent for a certain trait (42%-58%), you could very well go either way. For example, someone with 42% Extroversion is slightly leaning towards being an introvert, but is close enough to being an extrovert to be classified that way as well. Below is a list of the other personality types so that you can determine which other possible categories you may fill if you scored near fifty percent for certain traits.

The other personality types:

The Emo Kid: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Starving Artist: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Bitch-Slap: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Brute: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Hippie: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Televangelist: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Schoolyard Bully: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Class Clown: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Robot: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Haughty Intellectual: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Spiteful Loner: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Sociopath: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Hand-Raiser: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Braggart: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Capitalist Pig: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Smartass: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.





My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:


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You scored higher than 27% on Rationality

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You scored higher than 9% on Extroversion

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You scored higher than 96% on Brutality

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You scored higher than 19% on Arrogance
Link: The Personality Defect Test written by saint_gasoline on OkCupid Free Online Dating


I thought I'd be the Capitalist Pig. Ah, well.

Current Mood: mellow
2:52 am
just bettie
delete the old account please, thank you. and please tell me i'm cute :D.

Current Mood: sleepy
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